Wasted Breath, Relationship Advice from Dorene Lorenz

Q:  Wife and I have been married for over 20 years.  Problem is, soon as our kids were off to college, she left as well.  She packed her bags, moved out of state, and the only communication I have had from her in the last year and a half were courtesy of her divorce attorney.  

About six months ago I started dating a great lady who I really like a lot.  Things were been progressing well in our relationship, until last week, when we came home from dinner and found my wife in the living room, wanting to patch things up.  I love my wife. I love my girlfriend.  Feeling really conflicted, what do I do?

A:  Forgive me for pointing out the obvious, but as I am certain that you love both women, I am also equally certain that you are not “in love” with either one – or you wouldn’t be writing me.

That said, it is a rare soul in this world who gets the blessing of spending their time here with one they are in love with.  Most  of us consider ourselves lucky to find someone we are compatible with, that we are able to love and who loves us in return, so please don’t take it that I am knocking you because I am not – it is a statement of fact, not a value judgement.

Since you are not in love with either woman, my advise is different than it would be if you were. This is actually very straight forward and pragmatic.

First, you need to deal with the girlfriend.  Take her out, away from the house.  Tell her why you think she is amazing.  Tell her how much you have appreciated her time.  Tell her goodbye, for now.  It is the kindest thing you can do.  

Make it very clear to her that you are not in a position to be her friend, and won’t be, until your relationship with your wife has resolved itself on its own accord.  In this case, in your heart and soul, she is direct competition for the wife.  She must suck it up, step aside, do the Alaskan thing, and wait her turn.

Then you need to deal with the wife.  Tell her that you have history with her, children with her, and remind each other why you got together in the first place.  Then tell her that you don’t trust her, and you cannot be emotionally intimate with someone you don’t trust.  But, she is your wife, so she gets first bite at the apple.

If she is willing to dismiss the complaint for divorce, you are willing to give it another try.  Give her one month for every year you have been married.  At the end of that time, if your heart still isn’t into it, you need to file for divorce.  In the meantime, go to Anne Henry (907.250.5244) and get some meaningful couples counseling, start dating your wife, and move forward as if you mean for this relationship to last forever.

If things don’t work out with the wife, and the girlfriend has respectfully disappeared from your life, seek her out and pursue her heavily. 

If the girlfriend has kept herself on the fringe, always reminding you that she is available, steer clear.  BUYER BEWARE:  She loves the drama more than she loves you.