Wasted Breath, Relationship Advice from Dorene Lorenz

Q:  I was bored one day and noticed that Craigslist had personals, and decided to check it out to amuse myself.  This went on for a couple weeks, and I quickly discovered that there were not real people at the end of the ads; there were a bunch of automated responses talking about sex.

Well, my girlfriend invaded my privacy and found these exchanges in my e-mail.  It rather freaked her out and she left me.  I have been calling her, leaving messages, and going by her house several times a day, and she immaturely ignores my attempts to talk to her.

I am furious that she looked at my e-mail, and don’t understand why she is so upset about these “affairs” I have been having with people who don’t even exist.

A:  Take a deep breath.  First of all, this girl is no longer your girlfriend.  She has made it very clear that she is not interested in a relationship with you, and you need to be respectful of that.

Stop calling her.  Stop going by her house.  Don’t make inquiries of your mutual acquaintances.  Stay away from places you know she frequents regularly.  You need to move on.

If you want to remain friends with her, send her a generic Christmas card December 1st and see if she sends one back.  If not, consider this chapter of your life closed.

Think about it as a good thing, you no longer have to put up with her snooping in your business, and you are free to date someone who is more understanding of your electronic dalliances.  Speaking of that, it is completely normal to pursue an interest in something that captures your attention – so long as it is legal.

However, it is also completely normal for the average girl to feel uncomfortable with her boyfriend discussing topics of an intimate nature with those who appear not to respect the fact that he is in a committed/exclusive relationship – regardless of which medium is used to communicate with these individuals or if the boyfriend intends on following up on said conversations.

Some girls don’t care.  If you are planning on pursing this hobby further, you need to find a girl who is going to be supportive of your interests.  Stop dating vanilla, branch out to vanilla with sprinkles.

This is not the sort of thing you have to bring up on the first date, but this is definitely something that should be discussed prior to being in an exclusive relationship and/or having sex with the girl, whichever comes first.  Girls who work in related industries tend to be more understanding, so you may want to start looking for a new girlfriend there.  There is someone for everyone.

If you are “over” the Internet thing, then gain some life lessons from your experience.  Communication is the key to a solid relationship.  No one likes to be blindsided and it is often a deal breaker.  You have to man up and fess up.

Next time something captures your attention, talk about it to your significant other in a non-threatening way.  Don’t approach it as “here is an area where you are not meeting my needs, so I found someone else who will” but rather a “hey, I find this interesting, how do you feel about it?”

If the answer is, “Ee-wh!” then you need to give some serious thought to finding a significant other that you are more compatible with.  What’s the point?

Big picture, you may want to invest what little time you have in this short life doing something that makes a difference, something important to you, that you can feel proud of, instead of trying to amuse yourself with trifling diversions.

Read Mikhail Lermontov’s A Hero of Our Time.  It is a collection of five short stories that hammers this lesson home in a very illustrative cautionary tale.