Foxworthy on Alaska

From: Alaskan Funnies (Disclaimer, I don’t know if Jeff Foxworthy really came up with this, it’s something I got in email, and found it quite funny, mainly because so much of it is true)

Jeff Foxworthy on Alaska

* If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Alaska.

* If you have ever refused to buy something because it’s “too spendy” you might live in Alaska.

* If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Alaska.

* If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there, you might live in Alaska.

* If your dad’s suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Alaska.

* If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Alaska.

* If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Alaska

* If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Alaska.


YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE ALASKAN-ITE WHEN:


* Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a truck plowing snow on the highway.

* “Vacation” means going to Valdez.

* You measure distance in hours.

* You know several people who have hit a Moose more than once.

* You often switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day and back again.

* Your whole family wears blue jeans to church on Sunday.

* You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

* You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings)

* You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both doors unlocked.

* You think of the major food groups as beer and Salmon.

* You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife or girlfriend knows how to use them.

* There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Wal-Mart at any given time.

* You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

* Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

* You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

* You can identify a Southern or Eastern accent.

* Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a moose next to your trash can.

* Down South to you means Seattle.

* You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

* You find 0 degrees “a little chilly.”


Dorene Suggest you are all a bunch of Am-mat-tuers:

You know you live in Alaska if:

You realize you are an "Alaskan" not an "Alaskanite."

Your high school boyfriend is also your second cousin, your roommate's brother's best friend, your current brother-in-law, and the best fishing buddy a girl could ever ask for.

Your resume includes crab fisherman, bank teller, dump truck driver, and wedding coordinator.

You get in arguments with your friends on what is better eating, porcupine or lynx?

You don't even walk up to the window to look if when is a moose in the yard.

Eagles are more plentiful than pigeons.

"That would be MY oil you are talking about."

You use studded snow tires year-round.

Having a walrus penis, whale teeth, or 400lb halibut mount prominately displayed in your living room doesn't raise an eyebrow.

A large collection of Blazo cans decorate your yard around Christmas. Okay, they are there all year but look especially fetching around Christmas.

You know the stats of over a dozen professional dog mushers by heart.

You bet money on when the ice breaks on the Nenana river.

You actually put your kid's dividend check into a college savings account.

You can't name the 50 states, but you can name all 13 Alaska Native regional corporations and every governor/congressman/senator Alaska has had during your lifetime.

You can draw the Alaska State flag with two crayons in less than 15 seconds.

You tell the difference between an Aleut, Eskimo, and Athabaskan just by looking at them..but you may go your entire life without ever seeing a jew, black, or hispanic.

On any given day your city mayor may bus your table or check you out at the grocery store.

You may pan for gold, mush dogs on a glacier, kayak with killer whales by caving ice bergs, windsurf a bore tide, snow board down virgin snow on a peak that makes the Rockies look like foothills, or watch puffins fly underwater on any given weekend and it will not be water cooler talk on Monday.

You are proud to serve your country in the armed forces, and come home to folks who are immensely proud of you for doing so.

You don't get out of bed for an earthquake unless it is over 6 on the scale.

Volcanos, avalanches, power outtages, snowstorms, glare ice, white out conditions, 100-year floods, forest fires - still show up for work on time. If this is the story you tell at the water cooler, you might live in Alaska.

You don't have a water cooler, water from the tap is the best tasting in the country, you might live in Alaska.

You can check your oil, add windshield washer fluid, top off the anti-freeze, add air to the tires, clean a fish...without getting your dress dirty or breaking a nail, you might live in Alaska.

You can tell the difference between a king, silver, or chum just by looking at it...and would never consider eating a pink, you might live in Alaska.

If you consider it a normal everyday occurance to gather your food by cutting through 28 inches of ice, with an eye for the creeping polar bear, hoping that a seal will come up for air, you might live in Alaska.