Wasted Breath, Relationship Advice from Dorene Lorenz

Q:  I was bored one day and noticed that Craigslist had personals, and decided to check it out to amuse myself.  This went on for a couple weeks, and I quickly discovered that there were not real people at the end of the ads; there were a bunch of automated responses talking about sex.

Well, my girlfriend invaded my privacy and found these exchanges in my e-mail.  It rather freaked her out and she left me.  I have been calling her, leaving messages, and going by her house several times a day, and she immaturely ignores my attempts to talk to her.

I am furious that she looked at my e-mail, and don’t understand why she is so upset about these “affairs” I have been having with people who don’t even exist.

A:  Take a deep breath.  First of all, this girl is no longer your girlfriend.  She has made it very clear that she is not interested in a relationship with you, and you need to be respectful of that.

Stop calling her.  Stop going by her house.  Don’t make inquiries of your mutual acquaintances.  Stay away from places you know she frequents regularly.  You need to move on.

If you want to remain friends with her, send her a generic Christmas card December 1st and see if she sends one back.  If not, consider this chapter of your life closed.

Think about it as a good thing, you no longer have to put up with her snooping in your business, and you are free to date someone who is more understanding of your electronic dalliances.  Speaking of that, it is completely normal to pursue an interest in something that captures your attention – so long as it is legal.

However, it is also completely normal for the average girl to feel uncomfortable with her boyfriend discussing topics of an intimate nature with those who appear not to respect the fact that he is in a committed/exclusive relationship – regardless of which medium is used to communicate with these individuals or if the boyfriend intends on following up on said conversations.

Some girls don’t care.  If you are planning on pursing this hobby further, you need to find a girl who is going to be supportive of your interests.  Stop dating vanilla, branch out to vanilla with sprinkles.

This is not the sort of thing you have to bring up on the first date, but this is definitely something that should be discussed prior to being in an exclusive relationship and/or having sex with the girl, whichever comes first.  Girls who work in related industries tend to be more understanding, so you may want to start looking for a new girlfriend there.  There is someone for everyone.

If you are “over” the Internet thing, then gain some life lessons from your experience.  Communication is the key to a solid relationship.  No one likes to be blindsided and it is often a deal breaker.  You have to man up and fess up.

Next time something captures your attention, talk about it to your significant other in a non-threatening way.  Don’t approach it as “here is an area where you are not meeting my needs, so I found someone else who will” but rather a “hey, I find this interesting, how do you feel about it?”

If the answer is, “Ee-wh!” then you need to give some serious thought to finding a significant other that you are more compatible with.  What’s the point?

Big picture, you may want to invest what little time you have in this short life doing something that makes a difference, something important to you, that you can feel proud of, instead of trying to amuse yourself with trifling diversions.

Read Mikhail Lermontov’s A Hero of Our Time.  It is a collection of five short stories that hammers this lesson home in a very illustrative cautionary tale.

Wasted Breath, Relationship Advice from Dorene Lorenz

Q:  Wife and I have been married for over 20 years.  Problem is, soon as our kids were off to college, she left as well.  She packed her bags, moved out of state, and the only communication I have had from her in the last year and a half were courtesy of her divorce attorney.  

About six months ago I started dating a great lady who I really like a lot.  Things were been progressing well in our relationship, until last week, when we came home from dinner and found my wife in the living room, wanting to patch things up.  I love my wife. I love my girlfriend.  Feeling really conflicted, what do I do?

A:  Forgive me for pointing out the obvious, but as I am certain that you love both women, I am also equally certain that you are not “in love” with either one – or you wouldn’t be writing me.

That said, it is a rare soul in this world who gets the blessing of spending their time here with one they are in love with.  Most  of us consider ourselves lucky to find someone we are compatible with, that we are able to love and who loves us in return, so please don’t take it that I am knocking you because I am not – it is a statement of fact, not a value judgement.

Since you are not in love with either woman, my advise is different than it would be if you were. This is actually very straight forward and pragmatic.

First, you need to deal with the girlfriend.  Take her out, away from the house.  Tell her why you think she is amazing.  Tell her how much you have appreciated her time.  Tell her goodbye, for now.  It is the kindest thing you can do.  

Make it very clear to her that you are not in a position to be her friend, and won’t be, until your relationship with your wife has resolved itself on its own accord.  In this case, in your heart and soul, she is direct competition for the wife.  She must suck it up, step aside, do the Alaskan thing, and wait her turn.

Then you need to deal with the wife.  Tell her that you have history with her, children with her, and remind each other why you got together in the first place.  Then tell her that you don’t trust her, and you cannot be emotionally intimate with someone you don’t trust.  But, she is your wife, so she gets first bite at the apple.

If she is willing to dismiss the complaint for divorce, you are willing to give it another try.  Give her one month for every year you have been married.  At the end of that time, if your heart still isn’t into it, you need to file for divorce.  In the meantime, go to Anne Henry (907.250.5244) and get some meaningful couples counseling, start dating your wife, and move forward as if you mean for this relationship to last forever.

If things don’t work out with the wife, and the girlfriend has respectfully disappeared from your life, seek her out and pursue her heavily. 

If the girlfriend has kept herself on the fringe, always reminding you that she is available, steer clear.  BUYER BEWARE:  She loves the drama more than she loves you.

Wasted Breath, Relationship Advice from Dorene Lorenz

Q:  My husband and I are in our late 30s, and were high school sweethearts.  He is the second guy that I have kissed, and the only guy that I have been with.  We have had our ups and downs over the years, but I really love him and want to stay with him.

That said, I feel like I am missing out on something.  I listen to all my single girlfriends talk about their dates, and feel that I am missing all the excitement.  Would it be bad to have an affair if no one knew about it?

A:  You are missing something by being with the first boy you were ever with.  You are missing a lot of pain from being rejected, a lot of disappointment from not being appreciated, and a lot of frustration from not being able to discover someone you are compatible with.

They say the grass always looks greener on the other side, and there is a lot of truth to that.  You need to take a close look at your own yard.  You have an oak of a husband, giving you support and strength.  You have a landscape filled with the flowers of the life experiences you have shared together.  You don’t have lawn, you have roses.  Stop and smell them.

If you are bored, that is your fault, not his.  You have become complacent in your personal growth.  You are responsible for evolving as a person.  You are responsible for your own happiness.  You paint the picture of your life, you frame it through your eyes, he is the gallery wall it hangs on.  So stop blaming your husband for your boredom.

If there is something that interests you, investigate it.  Not a bronzed, buff beefcake on the beach – I am talking about reading provocative books, seeing intriguing movies, looking at art that moves you, taking in an inspiring play or symphony, going for a hike.  Pursue your interests; don’t be afraid to try something new.

If your husband wants to go with you, so much the better.  If he doesn’t, it will give you something new to offer for dinner table discussion.  Life becomes a snoozefest really fast when we all think the same and do the same things.  Share a new perspective, and both of your lives will be enriched.

Wasted Breath, Relationship Advice from Dorene Lorenz

Q: My girlfriend is driving me crazy and I want to break up with her. 


We are both in our early 20s. I am her first serious boyfriend. We have been dating for just under a year, and the closer we get to that milestone the more needy and clingy she becomes. 


I like her a lot, but I am not in love with her, and I want the relationship to be over. Problem is, her Dad just died unexpectedly. They were really close.  She is devastated, and I don’t want the bad karma.
What can be done?


A: You need to break up with her. She is in crisis, she needs support, and you can’t give it to her. Someone else may be willing and able to meet her needs, but they can’t, because you are in the way. 


Get out of the way.


You are right about the karma, you have to be clean about the breakup and be really careful not to hurt her feelings. If you are a stand-up guy, just be straight with her and tell her you are no longer interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, but are there for her as a friend.  Mean it, and do it. 


I am a firm believer that if unpleasant things are going to happen, best to get them all over with in one big lump instead of dragging it out.  As Chekov suggested, any idiot can survive a crisis, it is relentless day-to-day drama that grinds you down.


If, on the other hand, you are a yellow-bellied woosie little 'friady cat, the best way to do this is let her break up with you.


My guess is that she has noticed your lack of emotional attachment, but since you have been dating so long, she isn’t looking at you as a disposable boyfriend. She is looking at you as someone she has invested in because he is a potential husband. This occurs frequently in women in this age group.


Stop being the man she thinks she wants to marry. She is going to want to replace her Dad, so any traits you have in common – lose them. You both like to fish, give up fishing. He was a guy who was always on time, be twenty minutes late to everything.


Stop being a man period. Be more emotionally needy and clingy than she is when you are together, it will exhaust her. It is difficult to do, but suck it up. Just be careful to not ever display jealously, inexperienced individuals often confuse jealously with someone really caring about them deeply.


This is important, stop pursing her. Return all of her calls within 48 hours, but do not initiate any contact and keep it short. Stop calling her. Stop calling her. Stop calling her. No e-mailing, no texting, no cards, no letters, no notes. Do not seek out her presence. This is vital.


Demonstrate that you have nothing in common. Let her initiate all the dates, and make them all frustrating and boring for her. For example, make her pick the movie and when she does, suggest it is a movie you have no interest in and refuse to see it – but don’t offer any alternatives.


The more boring, non-committal, and emotionally/physically unavailable you are, the sooner she is going to dump you. Obviously, don’t discuss any future with the two of you in it, make any plans together, and stop calling her honey, baby, sweetheart or any other sugarcoated words of affection.

When she finally gives you the boot, wait at least a month before you are seen in public with another girl, or until a week after she finds a new man's shoulder to lean on, which ever comes first. You are not allowed to date any of her friends for the next year and a half, she needs them more than you do. 

Wasted Breath, Relationship Advice from Dorene Lorenz

Q: My longtime girlfriend was diagnosed with MS, and has had several significant attacks this year. We are both in our late 30s. She is wanting to have a child because she heard that being pregnant abates the disease for a while. I am wanting to marry her and take care of her, but I don’t want any children, and I told her that.


She disappeared. 


We used to talk several times a day, everyday, for over a decade. She hasn’t spoken to me in a week. I understand that she has started seeing this guy that we know from the gym, and things have gotten far, fast. She won’t come to the door, she won’t return my calls.


In my last message I told her that I appreciated all that she had done for me through the years, all that she has done to shape the man that I have become. If she wants to date someone else, that is her right, but I wish she would just let me know she is okay and start communicating with me.


What can be done?


A: You need to give her some space. She is obviously at a cross roads in her life. She is rejecting her current unpleasant reality, and trying to create a new world of hope and possibility.


This isn’t about you, this isn’t about him. This is all about her. She is someone who thought they had a lot of good years left who has now discovered they are on a slippery slope to a poor quality of life, perhaps a quality that for her is unlivable. This isn’t an easy thing to accept.


You have been with her a long time. You are associated and woven into the fabric of this ugly reality. You don’t offer hope, hence the appeal of the new man. He does.


Hope goes a long way. It doesn’t take away the MS and the inevitable conclusion of that road, but it does offer something that has real value to someone in this position: meaning. 


She wants to know that her life meant something, that she has added value to the world, that a part of her is going to be loved, appreciated, and cherished long after she has left us.


The appeal of a child goes a lot further than nine months without pain. That is something she needs, and, apparently, something you can’t give her. This is one of those conflicts that is a deal breaker.


It isn’t about love, I am sure she loves you. I am sure she appreciates all that you have to offer, and the history that you have shared. I am also sure of this universal truth: just because someone isn’t giving you what you need, doesn’t mean that they aren’t giving you all they have to offer.

If you can’t give her what she needs, a child, with kindness give what you can offer. Give her space to find her way. Give her peace, stop trying to contact her. Give her validation, by supporting her in her choices – no matter how painful they may be to you.


She knows your number, she knows where you live. Be a gentleman, and when the time comes that she takes a breath, does some reflecting, and realizes she misses you – she will find you. 


Accept her friendship back with open arms unconditionally, new man or no new man attached. This may be days, weeks, months, or years from now – and how long it is going to take has a lot to do with you. The more space you give her, the more understanding you are, the sooner it will happen.


In the meantime, keep yourself busy. Go to a new gym. Make new friends. Explore new adventures. Your life has been all about her for years, reclaim it. Discover who you are now, what you are about, and what your life sans-girl looks like. You may find out that her leaving has opened the door to new possibilities that are greater than you ever dreamed. 

Kinyarwanda

There is a humanistic point of view that is rarely reflected on screen, but is celebrated when well executed.  It is when we are allowed to discover all that we have in common through the process of dissecting all that is different between us.

Using the cross-story telling vehicle that director Paul Haggis mastered in the Oscar winning Crash, Kinyarwanda turns its brilliantly diverse kaleidoscope on the Rwanda genocide of 1994.

With compelling sensitivity, director Alrick Brown offers reference points of understanding for the unspeakable horrors of those brutal 100 days of mass murder.

The meaningful beauty of the human existence: love, kindness, respect, and good will are brushed with a master’s hand on disturbingly vibrant canvas.  This film will not leave you, because you won’t want it to.  It’s kindness is to elegant to fade away.

The Arctic Circle

This stop-motion animation short is Canadian producer/cinematographer Kevin Parry's cautionary tale about greed.

In a story as cold as it's arctic setting, it is the little things that demonstrate the craftsmanship of the storyteller.  Brevity at its finest, surgical editing, all that it needed to be and not a frame more.

The body language and eye movements of the puppet were so well articulated I quickly forgot that I wasn't looking at a real person.  Captured the vice in a smart, intuitive, clever fashion.

Ihor Dawidiuk's original music underscored the action brilliantly.

A grad student project, advised by Chris Walsh, this 3:40 film was made on a budget of $750 CD.   Can't wait to see what this exciting new film maker is able to do with real money.