Wasted Breath, Relationship Advice from Dorene Lorenz

Q: My longtime girlfriend was diagnosed with MS, and has had several significant attacks this year. We are both in our late 30s. She is wanting to have a child because she heard that being pregnant abates the disease for a while. I am wanting to marry her and take care of her, but I don’t want any children, and I told her that.


She disappeared. 


We used to talk several times a day, everyday, for over a decade. She hasn’t spoken to me in a week. I understand that she has started seeing this guy that we know from the gym, and things have gotten far, fast. She won’t come to the door, she won’t return my calls.


In my last message I told her that I appreciated all that she had done for me through the years, all that she has done to shape the man that I have become. If she wants to date someone else, that is her right, but I wish she would just let me know she is okay and start communicating with me.


What can be done?


A: You need to give her some space. She is obviously at a cross roads in her life. She is rejecting her current unpleasant reality, and trying to create a new world of hope and possibility.


This isn’t about you, this isn’t about him. This is all about her. She is someone who thought they had a lot of good years left who has now discovered they are on a slippery slope to a poor quality of life, perhaps a quality that for her is unlivable. This isn’t an easy thing to accept.


You have been with her a long time. You are associated and woven into the fabric of this ugly reality. You don’t offer hope, hence the appeal of the new man. He does.


Hope goes a long way. It doesn’t take away the MS and the inevitable conclusion of that road, but it does offer something that has real value to someone in this position: meaning. 


She wants to know that her life meant something, that she has added value to the world, that a part of her is going to be loved, appreciated, and cherished long after she has left us.


The appeal of a child goes a lot further than nine months without pain. That is something she needs, and, apparently, something you can’t give her. This is one of those conflicts that is a deal breaker.


It isn’t about love, I am sure she loves you. I am sure she appreciates all that you have to offer, and the history that you have shared. I am also sure of this universal truth: just because someone isn’t giving you what you need, doesn’t mean that they aren’t giving you all they have to offer.

If you can’t give her what she needs, a child, with kindness give what you can offer. Give her space to find her way. Give her peace, stop trying to contact her. Give her validation, by supporting her in her choices – no matter how painful they may be to you.


She knows your number, she knows where you live. Be a gentleman, and when the time comes that she takes a breath, does some reflecting, and realizes she misses you – she will find you. 


Accept her friendship back with open arms unconditionally, new man or no new man attached. This may be days, weeks, months, or years from now – and how long it is going to take has a lot to do with you. The more space you give her, the more understanding you are, the sooner it will happen.


In the meantime, keep yourself busy. Go to a new gym. Make new friends. Explore new adventures. Your life has been all about her for years, reclaim it. Discover who you are now, what you are about, and what your life sans-girl looks like. You may find out that her leaving has opened the door to new possibilities that are greater than you ever dreamed.