Deb tells a fairy tale

Walked the Huntington Beach Pier yesterday. No dogs allowed. People are actually fishing off this thing, I would never consider eating their catch. Scary.

Today's little treat is from Deb, who I was just visiting in Tucson. She ducked out a little early to being in wedding number two in Las Vegas, and came back with this little fairy tale.

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?" The guy said "No" and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The end.

Misty suggests New Bride Advise

In Newport Beach at a cute little property a block away from the marina and the beach. Great place for surfing, will have to bring Gidget next time. Although the weather is warm, it is a bit too smoggy for my taste - especially with the direct comparision to Tucson's dry, clean air. Since I left south to be in Keri's wedding, it seems only appropriate to pass on a little advise that Misty has to offer.

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

Misty offers one for the Boys

Am in my last days soaking up the Tucson sun. Ahhhh, yes, this poolside view of Pusch Ridge is amazing, we are taking a horseback trek up the side at sunset. Went to Old Tucson studios after dark last night where a palm reader offered me the most wonderful view of my future.

Keri is married off, UofA lost against Oregon, and have enjoyed visiting with friends old and new. Things are winding down, dinner at Hacienda del Sol after a Swedish massage so I thought I would let up enjoy a little ha ha that Misty shared with me.

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars.

Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

Green Train Derailed

"It is a shocking tragedy," remarked former Greenpeace attorney Steve Kahn as he viewed the carnage from his vehicle. "The likes of which we will not duplicate in this generation."

The Greenpeace Green Train, eight passenger cars attached to a specially designed locomotive that ran on steer manure, has derailed just outside of Seward, sending 28 activists to the hospital and completely destroying the $10 million train.

The train was in route to Seward from Fairbanks, where the Sierra Club, Greenpeace, and local grassroots environmental groups had met for their annual conference, "Freeze the Globe". A Seward protest had been scheduled by the Resurrection Bay Conservation Alliance for Monday afternoon, and the Green Train passengers had planned in participating in the rally that was to take place at City Hall. The rally has been moved to Sunday at Res Art.

"The RBCA had documented that Seward Ships has been Discharged Storms into Resurrection Bay ever since Woody and Pruitt had that little falling out," explained former Vice President Al Gore from the wreckage of the Green Train as he was being treated by a Bear River EMT. "They notified the EPA, who obviously had been paid off, and elected not to press charges. A member of the RBCA even advised the Alaska Delegation during their recent BP inquiry, but no follow up was done. I am here to be sure that justice is had by the planet."

According to local Seward Fire Cheif Dave Squires, the Green Train apparently was traveling at an unsafe speed on its approach to the Seward Railroad Depot. It slid on vegetative matter that had collected on the tracks, detailing the train, which plowed into what is locally referred to as VECO Lake.

"Its shit soup now," suggested AKRR representative Louie Bencardino. "And the smell from that fuel is worse than anything the cannery ever put out. Pee-you. I don't know how we are going to clean that up. You know this detrailment never would have happened if we were allowed to spray Round Up to kill the weeds on the tracks."

The injured passengers were flown to Providence Hospital in Anchorage via helicopter. Injuries ranged from broken middle fingers to brain tumors. No deaths have been recorded, although twenty seven of the twenty eight activists were diagnosed with brain damage.

"It was just such a terrible thing to witness," expressed local activist Carol Griswold. "They killed all those helpless alders that were growing on the tracks."

Flood Watch 2006

At a public meeting held at their Marina Restaurant Offices this morning, the Interim City Manager team of locally known as MacDonald-Woods today announced that a flood conspiracy had been revealed - in the Seward Area Flood Board.

"We have had rain for eight months straight," advised D.E. Woods, "No problem, ground soaked it up and the rivers took it away. The voters toss out Flood King Jim MacDaddyCracken and installed a bunch of contractors. In just under a week all those contractors have millions of dollars of work. Co-wince-a-dense? I don't think so!"

"It is obvious that the contractors purposely cause the rising of the rivers, and the slides," concluded Tim MacDonald. "There is no other possible explaination for recent events. This is a hundred-year flood. We just had one a couple years ago. Really jumped the gun on this one, people. We aren't buying it. If you look at what Quality did by the Jap Creek Bridge you can see these contractor guys have really been messing in the rivers."

Also at the public meeting, Mayor Vanta Shafer announced that the City will be cutting back the work weeks of all employees to 36 hours. These cuts will be made retroactive to Labor Day, to coincide with the closing of tourist season.

"We do this at the hospital all the time," explained Mayor Shafer. "It really saves us a lot of money. I would like to take this opportunity to thank all the City workers who have volunteered their time over the last month or so, hundreds of hours in all sectors of City government. A lot of folks have dontated over 40 hours just this week. This really demonstrates how when times get tough, Seward people really come together to support one another."

Seward City Manager Fired for Causing Shitty Weather

Seward has had the worst weather ever recorded this century, caused in part by the shifting of Seattle's Wraith of God rains to the Resurrection Bay area. The reason for the shift, Seward City Manager Clark Corbridge.

"I am confident that it's all his fault," declared Seward Vice Mayor Willard Dunham at Tuesday night's city council meeting. "We never, ever, had bad weather like this until Clark was in charge of the City. I've been here a long time, and we have never, ever, had a 100-year flood that moved this much water. This is worse than '94, worse than '85, worse than '64."



"We need to fire the bastard," concluded Mayor Vanta Shafer. "Y'all notice this flooding didn't start until he was up for his employee review. He's jes pissy because we loaded the review forms so he would come out poorly. Clark did this on purpose. Y'all know it really pisses me off when he takes credit for all my hard work, and doesn't take credit for all the bad things that happen. That is an important part of his job, and he is not meeting the City Council's expectations there."

While studio audience member Hungry Harry wondered out loud if the Chamber of Commerce was to blame, during her report at the council meeting Chamber President Deb Carter strongly denied that her group was holding good weather hostage as a measure for getting more funding from the city council in next year's budget cycle.



"It simply isn't true that the Seward Chamber of Commerce has created all this nasty flooding as a means to excuse ourselves for not having better tourist traffic during this quarter," suggested Carter. "The Edgewater is doing its part by donating all the money we are saving by not having Paul have red hair anymore towards finding temporary shelter for displaced pets. Our liability insurance costs went way down after he quit being so foxy."



"I have strong reason to believe that this is all a conspiracy to stop me from flying," offered City Council member Steve Shafer. "I am sure that the City Manager, in concert with certain members of city administration, whipped up this sideways rain knowing that there would be significant economic impacts to myself and my family. They are just trying to wash me out before I clean their house. Well, we'll take care of that tonight and send him packing."



The National Weather Service advises that Seward's record rainfall is forecast to continue through the next week, at which time it should turn into freezing rain.



The City of Seward declared a state of emergency at 10:50 a.m. Monday, when Mayor Vanta Shafer, the highest ranking Democrat on Council, rang up President Bush to see if he would be willing to send in the Girl Scouts.



Mayor Shafer was forced to such desperate measures after Governor Frank Murkowski advised her that all the Alaska National Guard troops were overseas at war, and his personal jet couldn't land at the Seward Airport as it was covered in water.



Clark Corbridge was fired from being Seward's City Manager in a 5-2 vote in an emergency executive session held inside the ground floor men's room of City Hall twenty minutes after the City Council meeting was adjorned. Corbridge's wife Judy offered two thumbs up when she received the news late Tuesday evening.

The executive management team of D.E. Woods and Tim MacDonald have been hired to fulfill the responsibilities of interim city manager, as they were the only individuals in Seward willing to accept the position.

A hiring committee consisting of Mayor Vanta Shafer, Vice Mayor Willard Dunham, and Councilmember Robert Thomas are tasked interviewing all unemployed former Seward residents who have held a State government job in the last ten years.

Captain Leif "Reef" Olson is a Whale Snob

Drop off the California Couple and Leif turns his head away (and the boat) from all but the most spetacular whale watching experience. Forget the migrating humpbacks, over fifty of them, as they blow vapor into the the air. Are they waving their tails? They are? How often? How close are they? Is it just one whale or a mom and calf? Well, we would stop if it was a sperm whale, or a beaked whale, or maybe even a right or blue whale....but a humpback. Please.

Keith stopped for a humpback once, at Leif's request, and it was definately worth the turning around and verging off course that we did. Over fifty tons, this exceptionally friendly male gave us full tail three times, breached from the water three times - once so close it threw barnacles all over the decks, and then rolled over and waved goodbye to us three times.

Of course the Californian tourists and their Cannon Rebel were gone, so we have no photos of this amazing event. But will definately go down in the lifetime memories I will never forget category. Later we wents to Bishops, a Japanese-style hot springs in a remote area of British Columbia. Accessible only by boat, we had the charming facilities to ourselves for most of the day, stormy weather pushing in six boats to safe haven that night. Probably a good thing, because the sight of Leif picking his way through the tidepools is another one of those lifetime memories I will never forget.

'Drea visit before trip to Capital

My dear former roommate Andrea flew out to visit while we were in Seattle. A little time well spent at Buca, IKEA, and the Crabfest. Fattened her up just a little, she was looking peaked.

Buca is one of my favorite strip mall franchizes. Stop in should you even pass one, and be sure to pick up a pocket protector. They are collectable.

Of Books and Bergs

At Duane's Antiques (Anchorage) I happened upon a vintage English edition of Alexandre Dumas Margaret De Valois which was illustrated with a frontisepiece in photogravure by P.F. Collier and Son publishers out of New York. One of my all time favorite stories, I was delighted to find that this undated edition contaied introductory remarks extracted from a review of Domas' novels in Blackwood's Magazine.

I was to the most famous ill-fated boar hunt in history, and exciting event that could have well changed the course of the succession of kings in France and Poland, while we were enjoying a misty covered morning in our recent trip through the Inside Passage. We were floating on a perfectly calm sea, like a reflecting glass, Titanic-sized icebergs all around. The cedar clad hills, azure blue sky, dazzling crystal waters. Mystical.

A pod of orca made their way past us. Over thirty individuals focused on pushing past the ice, to the spotted seals who had taken refuge in these falsely quiet waters.

Very surreal, how nature was following the themes set in 1572, captured forever by the remarkable hand that more famously wrote "The Man in the Iron Mask," "The Three Muskteers," and "The Count of Monte Cristo." Keith was happy enjoying the amazing vibrancy of the blue ice. Someone needs to come out with a car this color.

Misty gives play-by-play man v. woman

Marriage (Part 1)

Typical macho man marries typical good-looking woman and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?"

His new bride says, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not."

(SHE'S GOOD!)

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Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife have a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

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Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "You're no good in bed either!" and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

She says, "Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

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Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievements. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(DITTO!)

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Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.