Misty's Blonde Joke of the Month

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided
to hire herself out as a "Handywoman," and started
canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and
asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my
porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and
everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her
husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way
around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting
to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by
e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to
collect her money "You finished already?" the husband
asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover,
so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the
$50, and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a
Porch, it's a Lexus."

Dandy Tradition Hard to Kill

There is more than one resident who may raise an eyebrow to recent efforts to revive the traditional Seward Dandelion Festival this spring. Hated weed or food of the Gods? The radiant dandelion has gotten bad press in Alaska as an invasive weed that is next to impossible to kill. Yet it is considered a delicacy by many Foodies, and for good reason, dandelions are highly nutritious.

The golden disks are loaded with trace minerals, which are just part of a package of some 64 nutrients and health-promoting substances which plant chemists have found. Dandelions contain more beta-carotene than carrots, more potassium than bananas, more lecithin than soybeans, more iron than spinach, and loads of Vitamins A, C, E, thiamin and riboflavin, calcium, phosphorus and magnesium.

The Latin translation of its scientific name, Taraxacum officinale, means "official remedy for disorders." The Seward highway beautifier holds a strong reputation as a liver tonic, blood purifier, anemia arrester, vision improver, reducer of cholesterol and blood pressure levels.

"If you think you've never used dandelion as medicine, guess again. It's a prime ingredient in over half of all herb blends on the market, including formulas for weight loss, PMS, detoxification, and rejuvenation, along with liver, digestive, kidney and skin ailments!î says Joyce Wardwell in The Herbal Home Remedy Book. ìDandelion is such a wondrous source of minerals, vitamins, fiber, micronutrients, lecithin and biologically active substances that there is probably no existing condition that would not benefit from regularly consuming dandelions."

"Dandelion is one of the most complete plant foods on earth," suggests prominent herbalist Gregory Tilford. "All the vital nutrients are conveniently contained in a single source, in quantities that the body can easily process and fully absorb."

Italians have embraced dandelions and masked itís bitterness by serving it with breads and pastas, tomato-based sauces, sweet dressings, cheese, meats and condiments such as vinegar, lemon and garlic. Dandelions find their way into wine, homebrew, even soft drinks and lemonade. According to Dandelion Festival planners, dandelion cook-offs will be a key focal point in the Seward event, which is expected to be held in late May or early June.

"Growing dandelions for market is a $10 million a year industry and is growing." according Dr. Peter Gail, author of The Dandelion Celebration: A Guide to Unexpected Cuisine. Seward apparently has superior growing conditions for this controversial vegetable.

The Dandelion committee is looking for event venues, volunteers, and events ideas from anyone who smiles thinking of yellow pollen-kissed cheeks and angels wings floating on a childís breath. For more information, contact Marie Wagner at
dmea@netzero.net or 224-6471.

Marie Adds:

Plans are being made now for the Dandelion Festival to be held next spring in Seward. This year’s theme is “Celebrating the Bounty & Diversity of Nature”. The 3 day event planned for late May or early June will include seminars, workshops, demonstrations, a dandelion cook off, dandelion wine tasting, guided walks, music, art show, vendors and more. Some of the lecture topics might include edible wild plants, organic gardening, bird watching, insects & butterflies, herbicides & pesticides, food preservation, conservation, medicinal plants, weed pulls, plant identification, recycling. We are looking for individuals or groups who would like to participate in presentations or workshops to demonstrate various pioneer crafts such as candle making, bread making, soap making, toys, dolls, knitting, building log homes, de-mossing roofs, building for Alaska and so on.

There will be music and vendors from around the state. Some of the community partners that we have invited to participate are the National Park Service, Forest Service, Native Plant Society, garden clubs, Borough Extension Service, Alaskan wineries, Seniors, Youth, Native groups, Library, Chamber of Commerce, City of Seward, State of Alaska, Authors, Audubon Society, UAF, US EPA, artists and crafts people.

Currently we are seeking community input and assistance in selecting a date and location. Once that is established we can confirm our invitation to Dr. Peter Gail of Ohio, a prolific author, educator & entertainer. He is internationally known for his 43 years of research on how various cultures use backyard weeds for food & medicine. For more information on him you can check out www.edibleweeds.com and www.dandyblend.com

Any suggestions or planning assistance would be welcomed. This event is geared to Alaskans and timed to occur prior to the big influx of tourists. However, we will be promoting our festival not only throughout Alaska but in national publications. Please let us know your favorite national paper or magazine so that we may submit a notice in time for publication. Comments, questions and suggestions can be directed to Marie Wagner 224-6471 or dmea@netzero.net

Harbor Dinner Club Re-model

When US District Attorney Lane Tucker and her partner, Allison Hill, couldn't find a place to eat when they were visiting Seward this spring, they decided to do something drastic. Candy Norman's restaurant building had been purchased from the US Forest Service to make way for the Mary Lowell Center. So Tucker-Hill purchased the Harbor Dinner Club from Norman, bought a historic building downtown, and transplanted the famous Seward restaurant to the upper floor.

Harbor Dinner Club Executive Chef/General Manager Lastan Williams spent most of May tinkering with history. A room in the back had linoleum over hardwood, the first glimpse of what would become a labor of love. Around mid-month, Williams began pulling up the carpet, then the 1/2" plywood that was nailed down to the 3/4" maple with 2" roofing staples.

"We had an idea that it was there, but we weren't sure that it went through the building," reminisced Williams. "The top floor used to be an old rooming house, so the hardwood was sectioned out for different rooms. We decided if you canít hide it, highlight it, so we patched it with pine. Really opened up with room and was an outstanding improvement."

"In the late 1940s, just before my seventh birthday, my family moved to Seward," recalls former Seldovia Mayor Darlene Crawford. "My grandparents, Wayne and Esther Heinbaugh, along with my parents, Chris and Millie Sorenson, stayed in Moody's Rooming House when we first got to town."

Millie Sorenson remembered one of Moody's more colorful residents, Flicka Red, meeting her at the station with a cab to take her the few blocks to the rooming house because she didnít think that pregnant Millie would want to walk uphill with four small children after such a long and difficult adventure.

"We started hand-pulling about 20,000 staples out of the maple. That was work," said Lastan Williams with a proud smile. "We moved a bar and glass rack that blocked half of the space's view to the back of the room. Made an amazing difference."

The kitchen was already in the space, but had been closed for seven years since it didnít meet the fire code. "It was kinda written off by the Elks," explained Williams. "We rebuilt the fire suppression systems and hood, and moved-in a dishwasher."

This isn't the first time that the Harbor Dinner Club has followed in the footsteps of the Elks Club. In 1947-8, Candy Norman's parents, Bob and Eleanor Zentmire, bought the Elks Club building on Fifth Avenue and turned it into the original Harbor Dinner Club. The new owners of the Harbor Dinner Club have taken a second hand-me-down building from the Elks, this time at 139 Fourth Avenue.

"Our intention is to have fine dining upstairs at night, and a breakfast/lunch buffet downstairs," explained Williams. "Perhaps it will be in combination with retail space, like a coffee shop/bookstore."

The Hill and Tucker intend to close down in January, if the catering business will carry them that long, and re-open in the spring after an extensive first floor remodel. On the street level, behind the layers of stucco and plywood, are large windows from when the building was the Hoben & Davis department store.

"I started peeling the cover off the one at the bottom of the stairs," suggests Williams. "I couldn't wait. We will be having our grand opening in August, complete with a band."

Capt. Dan's Deep Observations on Life

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather,
who died peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
~ Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin and keep away from children."
~ Author Unknown

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called
EVERYBODY and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey

"The problem with the designated driver program,
it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked
into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
~ Jeff Foxworthy

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save
the infant's life without even considering
if there is a man on base."
~ Dave Barry

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job,
and we should treat it like one. If your
boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give two weeks' notice. There should
be severance pay. The day before they leave you,
they should have to find you a temp."
~ Bob Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her
out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
~ Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women
have better verbal skills than men.
I just want to say to the authors of that study:
"Duh."
~ Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize,
Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
~ Lynda Montgomery

"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in
New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and poverty,
but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
~Richard Jeni

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and
all the impersonators would be dead."
~ Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way
of teaching us geography."
~ Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida,
but they turned sixty and that's the law."
~ Jerry Seinfeld

"Remember in elementary school you were told
that in case of fire you had to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic in that? Do tall people burn slower?"
~ Warren Hutcherson

"Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Monogamy is the same."
~ Oscar Wilde

"Suppose you were an idiot ...
And suppose you were a member of Congress...
But I repeat myself."
~ Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average
high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan."
~ A. Whitney Brown

"Women need a reason to have sex.
Men just need a place."
~ Billy Crystal

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
and the dog will give you a look that says,
'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!'"
~ Dave Barry

Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

~Unknown, presumed dead.

Cruise Ships Bank Long Green off Backs of Longshoremen.

Tabloid Headline:
Seward Cruise Ship Industry Practices Onerous and Unsafe.


Tag:
One learned longshore employee suggested, "I am working on a fabulous multi-million dollar ship, owned by a billion dollar, multi-national organization with a cave man baggage operation," reported Arbitrator John Swanson.

Grueling and oppressive baggage handling practices may be lucrative for the Cruise Ship Industry, but according to a recent arbitration decision, the cost has been born literally on the backs of Alaskan longshoreman.

"For many years the cruise lines have saved huge sums of money because they have had the advantages available in Seward and now Whittier. These advantages have taken a tremendous, unacceptable toll on the employees involved in the operations," suggested Arbitrator John Swanson in his written decision. "As cruise ships are becoming ever larger with a growing complement of passengers and baggage, these conditions cannot continue to exist. It must be recognized and clear to everyone involved that the Industry has had a tremendous cost-saving situation and it is time to be realistic."

Prior to making his award, Swanson visited cruise lines and stevedoring operations in both Whittier and Seward. He spent time aboard cruise ships in Seattle and Vancouver B.C., where he met with officers of the ILWU, SSA Pacific, ILWU Canada, and the Manager of Stevedoring Operation CERES. Swanson also held two-day hearing in Seward.

After his first-hand investigation, Swanson found that Alaskan Cruise Ship Industy operations didn't measure up. He discovered that local longshoremen have been working under onerous, physically demanding, and unsafe conditions since the Cruise Industry initially started in Seward. "It is what it is," offered Swanson.

For many years, individual longshoremen have been required to handle in excess of 2,000 pieces of baggage per vessel. These bags, some of which weigh over 50 pounds, often must be manhandled from positions above the worker's head. That equates to over 70,000 lbs. being physically lifted by hand by an individual longshoreman exchanging departing passenger bags for arriving ones on a cruise ship.

"Any reasonable person would agree this type of work on an ongoing, repetitive basis has negative, detrimental consequences," determined Swanson in his decision, which also awarded elevated numbers of longshoremen assigned to bag handling duties.

"The employers and the ILWU Union have agreed to abide by this decision. I expect there will still be a few issues with interpretation of the decision, but it looks pretty straight forward to me," suggested Carl Norman of ILWU Unit 60 in Seward.

"When change is inevitable, it is in everyoneís interest to work together and accept change in a way that provides the service to the customer that they deserve while giving necessary recognition to the parties providing that service," suggested Swanson. "This approach would be a win-win situation for all involved. The past is what it was; the future is what the parties are now responsible to address and it should be considered in the best interests of all who participate in the operations."

Misty has printer problems

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note.

About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.

Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to

A Glimpse of Alaska's Betsy Ross, Fannie Kerns

I recently acquired some documents from my Grandmother's estate. A rather beat-up photograph of the Native woman who sewed the first Alaska state flag was included. "To my Best Pals, Frances Kerns Alaskan Pineapple" is how she signed the front. "Fannie Kerns" is written in pencil on the back. She was a very beautiful and striking woman.

I ran the photo through Photoshop and gently retouched it. Please find it attached as a jpg, and feel free to use it so long as "Courtesy Millie Sorenson" is attached as appropriate. My Grandmother looked for this photo for years, sure that she had it, but it was too buried to find during her lifetime. Fanny looks exactly as she described.

Also in the package was a very sweet card, a pen drawing of a moose and mountains at night dated 1-30-64. It offers a little insight into their friendship, and Frannie's personality. I am happy to donate these items to the Jesse Lee for display when appropriate space becomes available, as well as use of the image for promotional/educational purposes.

Hi Millie,

here hopeing feel a little better this morning. you in my prays at night befor go to bed. is there any thing I cans too for you. be glad to do it. Fran Kerns.

Riddles
Q: if am Athlete gets Athlete's foot, what does an astronant get?
A: missle Toe!

Q: who didn't hang up his clothes when he went to bed?
A: Adam!

Below which is a drawing of a wooden hanger with a fig leaf attached.

Warm regards,

Dorene

Way to go Mikie!

Mike Pauley, former CHS debator, has finally shacked up with some beautiful woman who apparently can recognize Mike's finer qualities.

Best wishes to the obviously happy couple.

Dorene

Casmir's Chicks

Mount Marathon Moments

Clark finds the Best Home Ever

Dorene,

I was in Seward this week and had dinner at Yoly's. I
sat by your moose painting, "Clark". I fell in love
with it immediately. I don't usually find art that
strikes me the way this painting did.

By the end of the meal, my friends were very tired of me staring at
the moose and it being my only topic of conversation.
$500 was way out of any price range I would have even
considered, so I decided to walk away.

But, I am currently going through a divorce and thought that the
painting would be a nice gift to myself...my freedom
and independence present.

So, the next day, we walked by Yoly's again and I had to stop in and see the moose
once more. Needless to say, I bought the painting and
haven't once regretted it. He is now on my wall in
Palmer, Alaska. He is beautiful and I smile every
time I look at him. Thank you for bringing such light
in to my world.

Laura Hopkins
Palmer, Alaska

The Alaska Barbie collection, collect them all!

Anchorage Barbie:

This fit Barbie has a UAA graduate degree in science, resources management, and/or is an environmental lawyer. Comes with a brand new Range Rover with roof rack holding skate skis and a kayak. Accessories include running tights, cross-trainer shoes, a husky named Kobuk, Moose's Tooth pizza, and a six-pack of Alaska Airlines/Hawaiian Vacation plane tickets. Boyfriend Ken comes in seasonally employed climbing guide, fishing guide, or Girdwood bartender models. Three pack of Barbie's Girlfriends: Nordstroms Ginger, Bliss Kelly, and Out-of-the-Closet Betty sold seperately.

Sold at New Sagaya.


Wasilla Barbie:

This Barbie comes with big hair, country music CDs, a .44 Magnum, a Bible and membership cards to the NRA and the Alaska Republican Party. Weekender Kit includes snow machine, 4-wheeler, and fishing boat. Brand new duplex dream house and lake cabin are also available (sold separately). Ken comes with a Ford F-350 Diesel pick-up truck with gun rack and trailer, his own snow machine, 4-wheeler, boat, and .44 Magnum. Ken available every other two weeks when he is not working on the Slope. Alternative Military Ken available by special order.

Sold at Wasilla Wal-Mart.


Fairbanks Barbie:

This graduate school Barbie kit includes a tiny cabin with detached outhouse. This Barbie has hairy legs, hat hair, and a fleece jacket covered with dog fur. Accessories include extra long johns, shower bag, head lamp, case of Ramen noodles, and bug dope. Also available is a diesel 1979 Ford F350 duel-cab with 8 ft. bed, complete with plug-in, ice scraper, shovel, and two sets of studded tires. Ken is either at the Marlin, the Howling Dog, the Loon, out hunting, doing field work, or is long gone.

Sold at Big Rays.


Ketchikan Barbie:

K-town Barbie lives in an old leaky sailboat that is moored down in Thomas Basin -- in a slip that is conveniently located just off the ramp directly below the Potlatch Bar. For basic transport, she runs a beat up old 18' skiff that has a rundown Johnson 30 hp outboard that leaks oil. She can out fish most any old Norwegian bachelor fisherman; can cut down old growth cedars faster than most any drunken old Swede logger; and can shoot and skin blacktail deer that foolishly wander down to beach at sunset faster than any alcohol fueled Finn bushwhacker. Her Ken can be found anytime, day or night, on the deck of the Alaskan Bar pontificating -- often with wild, exaggerated arm waiving and finger pointing -- as to exactly where the Bridge to Nowhere is going to land over on Pennock Island.

Sold only at a kiosk on the cruise ship dock during June, July & August.



Sitka Barbie:

Sitka Barbie has most of the same endearments as K-town Barbie except she recently shot her Ken in what is colloquially known as a Sitka divorce. She took the life insurance money and purchased a brand new 26' Hewescraft "Alaskan" with enclosed heated cabin and a 200 hp Honda outboard.

Sold only at a kiosk on the cruise ship dock during June, July & August.



Barrow Barbie:

This Barbie comes with blonde hair with dark roots, kuspuk and parka. Accessories include a 650cc Skidoo snowmachine, dried salmon slices, an authentic-looking ulu and baleen carving kit. Ken alternates between being a whaling captain and working for the North Slope Borough.

Available at the northern most KFC store.


Juneau Barbie:

This Barbie comes with membership cards for the Alaska Democratic Party, AFSME/AFL-CIO and Alaska Conservation Voters, little red X-tra Tuff boots and an un-used fishing outfit. She lives in tiny apartment above an obscure bar and works as a secretary in the State Office Building. Drives rusty Subaru Forester, but has peeled the "Forester" lettering off because she feels that logging is evil. Ken claims to be a fisherman, but actually he is also a secretary in the State Office Building.

Available in gift shop at the Baranof.



Bethel Barbie:

This Barbie has a teensy little substance abuse problem, but she has admitted that she has a problem and is working on it. Comes with just two outfits, both from Value Village in Anchorage, with matching plastic shopping bag suitcases. She likes to shop, but since this entails buying a ticket to Anchorage, it's not much of an option any more. Comes with a house consisting of a cardboard refrigerator box and 2 sleeping bags. Ken lives in the box next door.

Available on special order from Costco in Anchorage.



Ft. Yukon Barbie:

This Barbie comes with a Honda Big Red, a 24 foot boat with ancient outboard that would better be kept in the Evinrude Museum, hip boots, little marten trapper hat and snogo suit. She lives in a nice little log house and goes to all the basketball games. A lot of her groceries are flown in too, but she is outfitted with a selection of knives and knows how to cut fish, skin a lynx AND pack moose. Ken is not in town much. He claims to be on the trapline or at fish camp, but someone saw him in Fairbanks.

Available at AC Company.



Prudhoe Bay Barbie

This Barbie comes with bunny boots and an extra thick parka with a fake fur ruff on the hood. She also comes with her own banquet table with an unlimited supply of food, and a small room that she must share on an alternating schedule with Anchorage Barbie and Fairbanks Barbie. She also comes equipped with a special suitcase with a secret drawer in which she can conceal adult beverages, and a special memo and membership card reminding her that the Prudhoe Bay Gym is available to all those who partake of the banquets. Barbie sports a permanent tan from flying to Hawaii on her days off. Ken works a schedule that allows him to see her for three days every other week, during which time he crashes in her room but not much else goes on because he’s so tired from working 14 hour days.

Available at BP Headquarters.



Dutch Harbor Barbie

This Barbie comes with a yellow slicker and rubber pants, as well as really cool looking rubber boots. Her face is permanently arranged in a screaming expression, to reflect the effect of high seas and ferocious wind in the general area. She carries a commercial fishing license and has an assortment of hair accessories to keep her hair out of the nets and crabbing lines. However, she rarely works on the crabbing boats as she fears someone might mistake her for a crab herself, so she recently managed to score a job on a fish tender, moonlighting at night on shore as a bartender where she earns the really big bucks. Pet walrus or seal available separately. Sometime boyfriend Ken also works in Dutch Harbor on a fishing boat, but they rarely see each other as they are literally on two ships passing in the night. Barbie often consoles herself with whatever doll comes along.

Available at Reeve Air Aleutian counters.


Seward Barbie

This Barbie is the most attractive of all the Barbies, but has physical evidence of an STD that she keeps covered with a bandaid. Seward Barbie comes with a special edition Brown & Hawkins steamer truck filled with tailor-fitted Healy Hanson, Patagonia, Levis, Dickies, Theroy, Carthartts, Stormy Seas, and serious gold nuggeted bling jewelry. Gift basket of Sweet Darlings candy and an autographed minature copy of Midnight Blue Noon included. Grade horse named Clipper complete with custom sleigh, saddle, saddle pad, and bridle available.

A large variety of Kens are sold seperately, including Tour Boat Capt. Ken, Commerical Fisherman Ken, Sports Fisherman Ken, Tourist Ken, Charter Boat Capt. Ken, Deckhand Ken, Cruise Ship Capt. Ken, Coast Guard Ken, Alaska SeaLife Center Ken, Musher Ken, Marathon Runner Ken, Sailor Ken, Biker Ken, Hunter Ken, Summer Construction Worker Ken, Political Ken, and Cannery Ken through the summer season. Tonys Ken, Longshoreman Ken, AVTEC student Ken, and Thorns Ken available during the winter season. Alaska Ferry Ken was recently discontinued.

Available only as a pull tab special grand prize at the Pit Bar.