Buying that First Bra

A man walked into the ladies department of a Sears and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... the Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

"What do the letters stand for?" the man asked as he fingered some lace.

"A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, and G are the letters used to define bra sizes," the sales woman explained. "{A} Almost boobs. {B} Barely there. {C} Can't complain! {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake. {G} Get a Reduction."

Loren's Nuns play Beauty Parlor

Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. She said that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it

The first nun said she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face and the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."

The cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer and said "Here, don't forget the curlers."

Christmas Cards

"Dear Dorene," Lee wrote with her perfect penmanship on a 6 x 9 sheet ripped from a pad.

"Your letter was like a thank you from everyone for what I had tried to do for my little family - the 3 of us." I didn't know who the three were. I knew she had a son, Skippy, who I never knew. He was killed in a motorcycle accident just after a terrible argument with his father. Harsh words were exchanged, words that haunted my great Uncle Glee the rest of his life.

"There were years of coping with so many medical problems, sadness & years of fulfillment. Glee was a good husband & miss him deeply. He was my tower of strength - always here for me." I had shared the same sentiments in my letter to her, written weeks earlier. Only they were about Glee's older sister, my grandmother.

"I was always sorry that Glee was a different person with others then he was with me. But I want to thank you for all the compliments you bestowed upon me. Now maybe I'll pull my shoulders back & try to forge ahead. I am blessed with nieces & nephews who are in the background - bring food (still can't eat) run errands. Don't drive with all this snow." I think of all those who have spread themselves to be my safety net. I never asked them, and am always startled to discover the gracious offer, the kind act that appears out of no where, the knowing smile. Lee is right, it makes a difference.

"I thank you again Dorene for all the good thoughts about us. This is my first card out & probably the only one." I only have two memories of Glee & Lee. The first is when I visited their home with my father, allergies had caught up with me and I spend the entire time sleeping on their couch. The second time is when I brought my grandmother. They had a falling out years before and this was their first and last visit in this lifetime. It was very stressful for them both. Gram ended up with Lee in the kitchen, cherishing a beautiful visit with her sister-in-law. Glee took me upstairs and told me of his adventures driving jeep for Patton during the war.

It struck a cord with me, a quiet resignating one.

"I hope things are going well for you & your pretty daughter. I hung a little medallion on my tree in memory of your grandmother and Glee.

I love you all dearly,
Now don't shed a tear,
I'm spending my Christmas
With Jesus this year.

Brings tears, so I'll hang up here & wish you all a blessed Christmas season. Love, Lee."

It is the only letter I have ever gotten from her. Just a few lines on unrolled paper in black ink pen. Priceless gift.

You Are Going to get Coal in your Stocking because You Are Neo Yuppie Scum

The games have begun in the competition for the funniest holiday short.

We currently have two contenders running.

Feel free to add your submission

Be sure to vote as to which you feel is the best.

No Christmas For You
http://foamy.libertech.net/noxmas.swf

White Trash Christmas
http://www.toonedin.com/movies/WhiteTrashXmas.html

Clever Lorens is so Punny

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home"! "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common? " Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you, "says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him..... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Sun Shines in Arizona

A premier developer that I have been involved with since Keri and I stumbled into his amazing New Years Eve party a couple years ago just gave me the best Christmas present - a widdle casita on his new ranch in Tucson. He intends on picking up a 35 acre property by Oracle where he will build a lovely southwestern style home with half a dozen guest houses.

The beautiful 800 sq. ft. two bedroom casita is going to be made to my specs, and I get first dibs on staying there whenever I am in Arizona. A swimming pool and riding horses are included in the package, as well as the scrumpious Italian dinners he is famous for. Ahhh, life is good. Can't wait until he gets back from Iceland so we can go over details.

Not that I have any complaints about the closet where I currently hang my clothes down there, a great property with a great host...but I am sure Casmir will love the new ranch.

Other Arizona news coming down the wire, Juliet has resufaced after several years of hiding! She is still running lean and mean, and considering the Mount Marathon race. Works for the Forest Service and lives out of her suitcase. Doug (Dr. New Knee) is FINALLY getting swept off his feet and getting married next month in Florida.

Klaus was seen recently in Utah, just divorced but still ripped like Mr. Arizona. Sue is in Prescott, happy with two kids and a great husband. Sadly, we just learned that Jared passed away - which is heartbreaking. He was a true gentleman and scholar. And Scileppi just closed on his Tucson house, a killer property at the most exciting new resort in the area - Starr Pass. He is loving his new job at the Proscutor's office, got a murderer convicted and is enjoying wearing the white hat.

Great week for my Arizona crew.

Betty offers up Golfs Worst Foresome

1. MONICA LEWINSKI
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON

WHY YOU ASK? Well,

1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O. J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND..
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST

Whitman is a Wise Guy

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions, he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong... "

Kachemak Bay Ferry in Planning

Seldovia Native Association has been designated as project manager over the $2 million US Department of Interior grant awarded to the Seldovia Village Tribe. The grant is for organizing, planning, and developing daily ferry service between Homer, Seldovia, Halibut Cove and Port Graham, with consideration for Nanwalek and Jakolof Bay.

The vast government relations experience of Mark Hickey will be tapped in his new role as project liaison with the Department of Transportation and the Alaska Marine Highway System.

Pacific Marine Technical of Bainbridge Island, Washington was awarded the contract for community outreach, design recommendations and a financial feasibility study. The company has extensive Alaskan Ferry construction experience, having worked with the Inter-Island Ferry Authority, the Ketchikan Gateway Borough Airport Ferry, and the Alaska Marine Highway System.

A Steering Committee has been formed with representation from all of the Kachemak Bay communities and the Kenai Peninsula Borough. After the preliminary scope has been defined, the first order of business will be to reach out to the affected Kachemak Bay communities by holding public meetings.

The team will present a preliminary plan to build a daily ferry, listen to citizen concerns, and get their opinion as to what type of vessel would best fit the needs of the entire Kachemak Bay area. A draft summarization of findings will be published, and written comments will be sought on the desired ferry operational capabilities.

"The biggest concern right now," suggests SNA CEO Michael Beal, "is narrowly defining the needs of the ferry, which will drive the design. We would prefer to go with an aluminum vessel because of the inherent advantages of 40% better gas mileage and speeds to 30 knots, plus you don't have to paint or scrape barnacles. Every boat owner knows that maintenance costs add up quickly. A steel boat has more strength, but offers only half the speed of an aluminum vessel, and has all the maintenance issues that go with steel.

"We are also considering alternatives to the Lockheed-Martin model, because after touring the shipyards of the Pacific Northwest we are no longer convinced that their cutting edge technology is the best application for Kachemak Bay. We don't want to get stuck with a million dollar repair bill, if something goes wrong with the first vessel built in a new design."

The Kachemak Bay Ferry team toured the Nichols Brothers Boat Builders, Dakota Creek Industries, Kvichak Marine Industries, Kitsap Catamarans, and Todd Pacific Shipyards in October. A tour of the Sitka and Ketchikan shipyards is currently being scheduled.

"We are looking for a solid builder who is renowned for their exceptional work product," explains junior project manager Chance Collier. "We haven't ruled out building in Alaska, but our goal is getting a qualified vessel that will serve Seldovia for twenty years, not procuring work for Southeast shipyards."

In November, the team attended Florida's MarineLog Ferries conference to hear presentations by Deputy Commissioner Robin Taylor on Reshaping Alaska's Ferry System; Choosing the Right Vessel for the Right Route; and Loren Gerhard on Alaska's Inter-Island Ferry Authority: It's History, Performance, and New Developments.

The City of Seldovia has yet to award the contract for a consultant to assist the City with planning and organizing a Title 29 Municipal Port Authority. The Port Authority will design a system that satisfies the needs of Kachemak Bay communities, regional transportation markets, and will encourage economic development in small isolated rural communities.

Beal suggests there will be no need for an Environmental Impact Statement, as Seldovia can rely on a recent E.I.S. completed for the Anchorage-Mat-Su ferry project, which had a finding of no significant impact.

Seldovia's Nuka Research & Planning Group has been contracted to complete an Environmental Assessment, and to work with the US Army Corps of Engineers, Federal Highway Administration, Alaska Department of Transportation and Public Facilities, US Environmental Protection Agency, Alaska Department of Environmental Conservation, and the Alaska Department of Fish and Game.

The Kachemak Bay Ferry team will work with community residents and archeological research services to ensure the protection of culturally significant areas and artifacts in the project area.

Cousin Loren Has A Sense of Humor