Cousin Loren sez Women Hard to Please

Soon after my wife and I met, she mentioned how she really wished that she could afford a riding lawnmower.

She was a single gal that worked all day and was often tired in the evening when she got home from work.

So being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a riding lawnmower. I guess I thought she'd squeal with delight and give me a big hug.

To this day, I have never been able to understand why women are so hard to please.

Misty shares Life's Finer Moments

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her

4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my

afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the

inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell

out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?"

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Just Passed Utah Bar (Wa-hoo!!) tells Lawyer Joke

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest
tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying,
"I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good
man - you do God's work."

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the
door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the
barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from
you, for you are a good man - you protect the public."

The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the
door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the
barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from
you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system."

The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers
waiting for a haircut.

Plagiarism Apply to Blogs?

Anonymous Reader writes: Just curious, shouldn't you mention that this blog post was just a copy and paste of a recycled, anonymous email that's been making the rounds on the net? Do the ethics of plagiarism apply to blogs?

Other than the deceiving "original" posts, I like your site.


Dorene replies: Thanks for asking about that. When I make a direct lift from a media source, I always acknowledge it - see Ooh, Gwitch'in Woman and Seward Drugs on Auction Block.

When I am sent a piece from one individual I always give them credit in the title - see Beckie sez Don't Mess with a Mule and Dona Walker reports Girls Night Out. The Two Georges piece I received from several folks, so I figured it was floating in the public domain and did not give them credit for sending it to me. (Happy Bunny Betty was the first on the Bush joke, wonder if she is going to submit it to Maxium...)

I do not spend the time researching who was the first person to ever suggest such a thing, true, but I do give credit to the source where I got the material from. So I am not feeling that I am trying to deceive by taking credit for a piece that I didn't write.

Glad you are enjoying my blog, and I appreciate your comments and concerns. Keep them coming.

Beckie sez Don't Fool with a Mule

A couple from Montana were out riding on the range, he with his rifle and she (fortunately) with her camera. Their dogs always followed them, but on this occasion a Mountain Lion decided that he wanted to stalk the dogs (you can see the dogs in the background watching). Very, very bad decision...

The hunter got off the mule with his rifle and decided to shoot in the air to scare away the lion, but before he could get off a shot the lion charged in and decided he wanted a piece of those dogs.

With that, the mule took off and decided he wanted a piece of that lion. That's when all hell broke loose... for the lion.

As the lion approached the dogs the mule snatched him up by the tail and started whirling him around. Banging its head on the ground on every pass. Then he dropped it, stomped on it and held it to the ground by the throat.

The mule then got down on his knees and bit the thing all over a couple of dozen times to make sure it was dead, than whipped it into the air again, walked back over to the couple (that were stunned in silence) and stood there ready to continue his ride... as if nothing had just happened.

Two Georges on New Orleans

Q: What is George W. Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade?
A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.


Curious George on New Orleans

Been sitting here with my ass in a wad, wanting to speak out about what’s going on in New Orleans. For the people of New Orleans...

First we would like to say, Sorry for your loss. With that said, Let's go Through a few hurricane rules: (Unlike an earthquake, we know it's coming)

#1. A mandatory evacuation means just that...Get the hell out. Don't blame the Government after they tell you to go. If they hadn't said anything, I can see the argument. They said get out... if you didn't, it's your fault, not theirs. (We don't want to hear it, even if you don't have a car, you can get out.)

#2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water and non-perishables. If you didn't do this, it's not the Government's fault you're starving.

#2a. If you run out of food and water, find a store that has some. (Remember, shoes, TV's, DVD's and CD's are not edible. Leave them alone.)

#2b. If the local store has been looted of food or water, leave your neighbor's TV and stereo alone.(See #2a) They worked hard to get their stuff. Just because they were smart enough to leave during a mandatory evacuation, doesn't give you the right to take their stuff...it's theirs,not yours.

#3. If someone comes in to help you, don't shoot at them and then complain no one is helping you. I'm not getting shot to help save some dumbass Who didn't leave when told to do so.

#4. If you are in your house that is completely under water, your belongings are probably too far gone for anyone to want them. If someone does want them, let them have them and hopefully they'll die in the filth. Just leave!

#5. My tax money should not pay to rebuild a 2 million dollar house, a sports stadium or a floating casino. Also, my tax money shouldn't go to rebuild a city that is under sea level. You wouldn't build your house on quicksand would you? You want to live below sea-level, do your country some good and join the Navy.

#6. Regardless of what the Poverty Pimps Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton want you to believe, the US Government didn't create the hurricane as a way to eradicate the black people of New Orleans; (Neither did Russia as a way to destroy America). The US Government didn't cause global warming that caused the hurricane (We've been coming out of an ice age for over a million years).

#7. The government isn't responsible for giving you anything. This is the land of the free and the home of the brave, but you gotta work for what you want. McDonalds and Wal-Mart are always hiring, get a damn job and stop spooning off the people who are actually working for a living. President Kennedy said it best..."Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country."

Thank you for allowing me to rant.

True Story, but Not Mine

I received the following from Frank Drew, via Tracy Lorenz who wishes it had happened to him so he could write a column about it.

Guess the younger generation never heard of them. This story indicates how ill informed, uneducated many of our younger citizens are today. Not all, but a significant number, which is scary.

On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to breaka $50 bill.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go."

Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"

Me: "No, it's to go." At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.

Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back." He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot

The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"

Manager: "No. A what?"

Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."

Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."

Server: "Yeah, thought so." He comes back to me and says, "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"

Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"

Server: "I don't know."

Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"

Server: "Yeah."

Me: "So, why won't you take it?"

Server: "Well, hang on a sec." He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm ashoplifter, and says to him, "He says I have to take it."

Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"

Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change"

Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here."

Server: "What should I do?"


Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."

Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him."

Manager: "Just tell him."

Server: "No way! This is weird. I'm going in the back."

The manager approaches me and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night."

Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."

Manager: "We don't take those, either."

Me: "Why not?"

Manager: "I think you know why."

Me: "No really ... tell me why."

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

Me: "Excuse me?"

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

Me: "What on earth for?"

Manager: "Please, sir."

Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."

Manager: "Would you please just leave?"

Me: "No."

Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then."

Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area,and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"

Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money."

Guard: "No kidding! What?"

Manager: "Get this ... a two dollar bill."

Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?"

Manager: "I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty."

Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!" Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is."

Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar bill?"

Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"

Guard: "Yeah." Security Guard walks over to me and....

Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."

Me: "Uh, no."

Guard: "Lemme see 'em."

Me: "Why?"


Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat, so I said, "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill." I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him.

He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, "Hey,Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"

Manager: "It's fake."

Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."

Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."

Guard: "Yeah...?"

Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns-on the guard that the manager has no clue. So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too. Made me want to get a whole stack of two-dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If Iget the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. On the other hand, I could probably eat free for life!

Seward Drugs on Auction Block

Cures for what ailed
earlier generations
to go to auction

Federal drug agents
confiscate controlled substances

By PAULA DOBBYN
Anchorage Daily News
Published: October 13, 2005


An antique hunter has unearthed a treasure-trove of bizarre potions and tonics in the basement of the historic Seward Drug Co. building, offering an eye-opening glimpse into Alaska's pharmacological past.

The rare cache contains products from the World War II era and earlier, items like "Sanitube," a pomade for "male hygiene," and "Wo-Wo Tablets" for "when you are out of sorts and don't know what ails you." Dusty bottles of arsenic, ether, cocaine crystals, morphine and "asthma curing" cigarettes made of herbs were also among the relics.

Duane Hill, owner of Alaska Auction Co. of Anchorage, found the medicines and will auction them this weekend. He says he can't get over some of the stuff Alaska doctors prescribed in the earlier part of the last century, things like "refined" skunk oil and goose grease.

"I've been in the antique business since 1968 and I have never seen anything like this," Hill said Wednesday, standing over a display case of the antique medicines and folk remedies.

Hill figures he retrieved more than 200 bottles, boxes and other paraphernalia, including a hand-cranked suppository press.

For some reason, many of the potions were intended to ease constipation.

"There's a tremendous amount of bowel-movement stuff," Hill said, a smile splashed across his face. Hill and his wife, Christine, have wondered about it. Was it a lack of raw fruit and vegetables? Not enough coffee back in the old days? Who knows. "I guess you could say the people in Seward were full of ...Well, never mind."

The Hills plan to auction the stuff starting at 10 a.m. Saturday. Everything, that is, that hasn't already been seized by federal drug agents.

Drug Enforcement Agency investigator Candace Kopf confiscated some of the bottles, which likely contained narcotics and other controlled substances, Christine Hill said. After destroying the contents, the agency plans to return the old bottles because of their historic value, she said. Kopf declined to comment.

On Wednesday, officials from the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency examined the remedies, some of which are displayed at Alaska Auction Co.'s Web site.

"The arsenic powder is a big concern," EPA chemist Michael Byokin said to his colleague, Matthew Carr. The two conferred before a wall-mounted case filled with some of the more menacing-looking bottles, some of them labeled "poison."

"We saw the arsenic on the Web site. That stuff is super-toxic," Carr said.

It's not against the law necessarily to own it, but spilling arsenic or other toxins is a punishable offense, he said. EPA will likely offer "technical advice" to whoever buys the items at auction, Carr said.

A criminalist from the state crime lab, an investigator with the occupational licensing division and city officials have already visited the auction house to look over the old products, Christine Hill said.

One of her favorite items is a bottle that contained Nembutal tablets, a narcotic.

"This is what Marilyn Monroe died from," she said, pointing at the empty bottle.

Hill found the medicines after James Woern, who has owned Seward Drug since 1971, contacted him. After more than three decades being a town pharmacist and souvenir-shop owner, Woern decided to sell his turn-of-the-century building on Fourth Avenue in downtown Seward.

With the drugstore ready to be converted to a restaurant, Woern needed to clear out the boxes of old medicines he inherited when he bought the store. He knew they contained a lot of old drugs, but Woern said he never needed much basement space. So he kept everything in place until late last month when he called Hill. The collector of old things wasted no time driving to Seward.

"I love to go into basements and scrounge around for stuff. I jumped at the chance to go. Many of the medicines are from the 1940s but some appear to be much older," Hill said. "Seward Drug Co. dates back over 100 years."

According to "Seward, Alaska: A History of the Gateway City" by Mary J. Barry, the pharmacy's predecessor was Owl Drug Store, established in October 1904 by Dr. Frank M. Boyle of Valdez. The Owl Drug Co. was incorporated as the Seward Drug Co. in 1908.

Although Seward Drug has had different owners, it appears to have operated as a drugstore since its inception, Hill said. Woern says he has pictures of the Seward Drug store from the 1920s era.

The Hills have contacted some museums and collectors in hope that the drugs and other stuff will be preserved.

"I want these to go to good people. This is part of Alaska's history," Christine Hill said.

Any interested buyer is free to attend the auction at 1233 E. 76th Ave., or they can bid on the Internet, the Hills said. It's hard to say how much old drugs will fetch.

"I can price just about anything. But with this stuff, I haven't got a clue," Hill said.

Which leads us to a joke Misty offered today:

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, I will not sell you any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Woosey Little Fraidy Cats

One of my favorite columnists is Tracy Lorenz of the Muskegon Chronicle. The reasons should be obvious.

Well, Lorenz-at-Large got himself censored by his woosey little fraidy cat editor - which made me laugh because I know EXACTLY how annoying that can be. See picture on left.

So I am running his piece here. You can find more of just as amusing quality at his new blog lorenzatlarge.blogspot.com. Check it out, worth the effort. Click the title of this post for a direct link. Following is the piece deemed to controversial to print.

KATRINA AND THE HATE MAILERS

So, read any good letters to the editor lately?

Am I the only guy in this country who doesn't think anyone owes him anything? Society (whoever they are) sure doesn't owe me, my parents don't, my bosses don't, and my Government doesn't. I expect things from my Government (decent roads, protection) but I paid for all that stuff via taxes, it's not like I think I'm entitled to it just because I was born.

Which brings me to Hurricane Katrina; I write a little snippet saying I think it's not too fiscally responsible to reward people for trying to outsmart God and suddenly I'm Tracy the Hun. Hey, I feel sorry for the people I'm just tired of picking up the tab. Put it this way; if the Government tells me it's illegal to drive drunk and on top of that I know it's dangerous to drive drunk and then I go out and drive drunk and I smash my car why should I expect the Government to pay for it? I wouldn't, if I screwed up then I should write the check.

We have somehow developed into a society where it seems half our population's full time job is trying to figure out ways to get money from the other half. No one's ever at fault, and we're all entitled to whatever we can get. Well, I think that's a bunch of crap.

I can't tell you how many letters I received stating that I was an Ogre for not being compassionate towards the old, weak and feeble stuck in New Orleans. The thing is when I watched TV all I saw standing outside the Superdome were healthy people. Maybe if the healthy people had gotten out of the way when they were supposed to the Governmental could have rescued the old and feeble instead of dodging bullets. (I admit that I just assumed the people I saw were young and healthy because I think you have to be in decent shape to run through waist deep water carrying an armful of clothes that still have tags on them.)

And it's not just the Gulf States; I don't see why we have to pay for forest fire victims either. Those pine trees growing on the beautiful hills of California have pine cones that don't germinate unless they're exposed to temperatures exceeding 500 degrees, hmmm; I wonder what natural occurrence could generate that kind of heat? Perhaps, FIRE! Anyone who builds their house in the middle of a bunch of trees that HAVE TO BURN to survive better have their premiums paid because I'm not footin' the bill.

But let's get back to the Hurricane. First off the people in the Superdome weren't poor. If you want to see "poor" head down to Belize for a while. I was talking to a bartender (naturally) and I asked him what part of the Island he lived on. He pointed to a piece of plywood with a pillow on it spanning a couple roof joists. Now that's poor, and this guy had a job.

I've said it before and I'll say it again; if you have a microwave you aren't poor, If you have cable TV you aren't poor, and if you weigh over 300 pounds you aren't poor. I bet if someone said "Your Government checks are 30 miles inland and you have to show up in person to get it" those poor people would find a way to pick up the check.

So here's my solution to the mess; I read where there's 400,000 people unemployed down there, why doesn't the Government hire those 400,000 to clean the place! That way they have a job, they're off welfare, and they're getting paid to clean up where they live anyway. And if they don't show up for work then they don't get paid. It's a win - win for the taxpayer.

Now let's return to the letter writers; I'd like to thank everyone who sent a letter to the editor for including their name and address, now I know who to call the next time we have a blizzard and my driveway needs shoveling. And those were just the letters that were printed; you should read the one's that were sent to my house. One lady said everyone in New Orleans DESERVED $100,000 so they could start their life over (I think she better lay off the Nyquil) and an attorney, AN ATTORNEY, sent me a letter saying I was heartless. He failed to mention to whom he billed the letter.

One of the letters printed in his paper compared me to Hitler, Mussolini, and Stalin. I remember those guys, weren't they the ones who tried to build their Governments by suppressing…free speech?

Torgie Event Thurday

Come to Chinooks Thursday from 5-7pm Get your hand shook, your baby kissed. Ask the hard questions, bring your friends.


Hi Dorene,

Thanks for the heads up. I don't want my hand shook or a baby kissed or a
song and dance. I'd just like to know what all that rhetoric was about last
year about saving the Ferry in Seward.

I suspected that they were all just blowing smoke. They were all just
stroking us. I'd like to see our representatives give us the straight talk
and not dance around the bush. What's he "really" all about. That's a
rhetorical question. I don't think he could give a direct answer to any
question.

Thanks,
Marie Wagner


Marie,

Please come, ask the hard questions, and if you don't get a satisfactory answer - press it. We deserve the skinny. I don't expect people to pull a rabbit out of the hat, but I do expect due diligence and a straight answer.

And for the record, I do not believe that the Seward City Council gave the ferry issue our best effort. I think that the issue was blown off ("they always threaten to take it away, and they never do") until the drop dead date. Way too little, way too late.

I don't think that it really sunk into some of my fellow council member's heads that it was really leaving until the Tusty pulled away from the dock for the last time. I don't blame our new city manager, he came on board too far behind the power curve to do anything about it. I place the blame squarely on the shoulders of the city council, and am sorry for my ineffectiveness on getting my fellow members to see the light.

Inexcusable.

Dorene

Seward Come Home

A little intel ops has located a larger-than-life-sized bronze statue of William H. Seward that is slowly in route to Alaska. It appears to have found a theoretical home in the Anchorage airport. I have made the first steps in an attempt to "swoop" it.

Worst case we could get a copy recast from the original for presentation in some appropriate venue in Seward. Maybe we could move his arms to a different presentation and stick him in a fresh shirt. It could be our little dirty secret, the tourists will never have to know. I am just hoping that Treadwell will be around and up to the task.

What I am REALLY wanting is a lifesized cast of the original pioneers with horses landing on the beach with the Santa Ana. Or at least John Ballaine and his more intimate party and a couple horses. I would settle for John and a horse, but don't let that be public knowledge.

And the Balto that got ripped off from the Jesse Lee Home.

And the Russian Phoenix for the New Land Memorial.

I am just a bronze statue happy art lover, because they require minimal maintenance, last forever, and have a great visual impact when they are either lifesized or oversized. The mini-birds on the poles in the harbor don't cut it for a girl whose first bronze was Anchorage's lifesize whale at Third and K.

Happy, happy, happy. But for now, I am setting my sites on Seward. I have been told that the Seward Statue stands seven feet high on a nine foot pedestal in Volunteer Park in Seattle.

If the current mayor, Greg Nickels, gets voted back into office this fall, there is a little sweethearts deal for Seattle to send Seward north as part of a goodwill gesture in 2009 in conjunction with the 100 year anniversary of the Alaska Yukon-Pacific Exposition and the 50th anniversary of Alaska statehood. The Anchorage Downtown Rotary has been working in conjunction with the "big" Seattle Rotary to pull off this feat of great strength.

Rumor has it that Nickels is hoping for some goodwill from the Alaska Delegation on some legislation, and prefers the statue be relocated to a place where it makes for lots of positive Seattle PR traffic....he was thinking the Anchorage airport.

Apparently William H. Seward's grandson, Ray Mersinger (sp) has already assured the Seward family blessing on moving the piece to Alaska.

I advised Jim, our local rep on the project, that we had lots of pretty little sweet spots that could use a bronze. The new RR pocket park in the small boat harbor, the possible new park at the end of the new boat harbor land, we could move the Benny Benson Memorial to the Jesse Lee Home and stick Seward by the Lagoon, Hogen Park, a little spot by the new library/museum, Mary Lowell Center...we would find/create/discover an appropriate high traffic location if we had the opportunity. Hell, we could put it at our airport and it would be the only art there!

According to the Seattle Parks & Rec website, which I am hoping our Parks & Rec will visit because their site looks significantly more professional than our site, the Seward Sculpture and pedestal was crafted by Richard Brooks of New York. The statue was originally a feature of the 1909 Alaska Yukon Pacific Exposition held on the US grounds, and was moved to Volunteer Park in 1910. (Bailey Peninsula was purchased in 1911 - later named Seward Park). The sculpture was financed by public subscription, sponsored by GG Beninghauser (jeweler), Meany, McGraw, et al.

Dona Walker Shares Lessons TV Taught Us About Katrina

1. New Orleans was devastated and no other city or town was affected by the hurricane.

2. The hurricane only hit black families' property.

3. Mississippi is reported to have a tree blown down.

4. New Orleans has no white people.

5. The hurricane blew a limb off a tree in the yard of an Alabama resident.

6. When you are hungry after a hurricane, steal a big screen TV.

7. The hurricane did 23 billion dollars in improvements to New Orleans. Now the city is welfare-, looter-, gang-, and prisoner-free... and they are all now in your city...and you are paying them.

8. White folks don't make good news stories.

9. Don't give thanks to the thousands that came to help rescue you, instead bitch because the government hasn't given you a debit card yet.

10. Only black family members got separated in the hurricane rescue efforts.

11. Ignore warnings to evacuate and the white folks will come get you and give you money for being friggin' stupid.

12. Your governor wouldn't let the feds in for four days, but somehow, it's all George Bush's fault.

Dona Walker reports Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

Oooh, Gwinch'in Woman

I'm sorry, I just can't handle these people who seem to buy their own PR. I am reading the latest Smithsonian article Native Alaskans Clash Over Cash - which discussed the challenges between the pro-development Inupiat and the pro-enviro lobby group Gwinch'in.

Let me state for the record that I have a natural bias here, because I heard Gwitch'in Spokeswoman Sarah James speak at AFN on the ANWR topic a decade ago and she creeped me out.

Now she is featured as in this Smithsonian article, going on about how the Gwitch'in "Never thought of ourselves as poor, because we are rich in our hearts." Hmmm, could it also be that check that you cash monthly from the anti-ANWR-lobbies?

C'mon now. I'm not just picking on Sara. It is waste deep ca-ca all over the glossy four-color spread. On the first page of the article it suggests that these guys are hunting caribou that were sighted by bush pilots two days earlier. What was fueling those planes?

The second page features a photo of Sara where in the background you can plainly see a crockpot and an electric fan. What is fueling the generation of that electricity?

Page three of the spread, Raymond Tritt is dressing a fallen bull on his caribou hunt right next to his dog sled. Nope. Snowmachine. What does that snowmachine run on?

Final page of the feature says it all. Charlie Swaney is quoted as saying, "everything we need, nature gives us." It hangs in the snow next to a photo of Swaney where he is carrying a rifle while hunting with guys decked in camouflage coats. Where in Arctic village did they grow those guns and cloth?

This "NOT IN MY BACKYARD" mentality is not becoming of those who are touting themselves as enlightened spiritual beings. If you are living a traditional rural Alaskan lifestyle, and there are plenty of those that do, then you have room to talk, and I am more than willing to listen. But for those who enjoy the comforts of the oil age while complaining about the very industry that provides the relatively cush lifestyle that your ancestors only dreamed of...you have no voice.

To me you are like that unfortunate self-styled environmental crusader Laurie David. The eco-chic Hollywood enviromentalist who enjoys the (in)fame she has received for terrorizing people for driving gas-guzzling SUVs. The same woman who refuses to fly commerical, preferring her Gulfstream. One cross country trip in her G200 burns more fuel than a Hummer would in a year, but this doesn't seem to bother David at all.

Scott Wallace closes his piece by describing Arctic Village as "Junk heaps of discarded stoves, wrecked snowmobiles and rusted oil drums lie scattered about in the white tundra." Yeah, these folks are really living in-tune with a nature that they respect. Give me a break.

Dona Walker Children and the Sea

Children Write About the Sea

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age >> 8)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. >> (William age 7)

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My Mom has fishnets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside (Emma age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

Midnight Blue Noon Checks Box

Dear Ms. Lorenz:

Your book has recently been assigned to an editor. The editor will do an initial proofing and e-mail you a copy of those proofs for review. You will have two weeks to go over your proofs and make any grammatical or typographical changes. Your editor will then make those changes and finalize the manuscript. You will have another review period of 48 hours to ensure that your requested changes were made. Once you return this second proof, your manuscript will be final, and the book will enter the cover design department.

Have a nice weekend.

Thank You,
Amanda
Author Support Team

Dam, those Enviro Guys are at it Again

Texas Deb tells me that this is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.

She thought I would find this guy's response to the following official notice hilarious, and she was dam right.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.


Sincerely, David L. Price

District Representative and Water Management Division.


*****Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.


Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.


My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream.

They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU, RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

Team Lorenz Racing Can't be Beat

Team Lorenz began racing in 1994, long after my father, Martin Lorenz, gave up on his weekends at the Demolition Derby. I still have the childhood memories.

These guys are a little more fancy in what they drive. Team Lorenz has raced Formula Vee, Formula Ford, Formula Continental, Sports 2000 and C sports race cars.

They race in the Mid-West Division and compete in regional and national SCCA (Sports Car Club of America) races. A bonus is that they also repair, restore, and rent race cars - in addition to building new cars.


They recently sold this DB-2 OLDS with her quad four powered, four speed Mk9 transmission, Ld65 four piston brakes with vented rotors, Spax Shocks, Jethot coated and completely rebuilt rear suspension, and magnesium wheels.

Swift DB-2's first race 7/30/88 Portland ACRL. She also competed in the 1995 June Sprints,1995 Runoffs,1996 runoffs 6 Place CSR, 1997 June Sprints,1997 Runoffs 6 place CSR,1998 June Sprints showed raced in logbook, 1998 Runoffs 6 Place CSR 1999 June Sprints 2 place driven by Thomas Bartz, 2000 June Sprints 4 place, and in the 2002 June Sprints she took 5 place. Not a bad career for a little red car.


This is their beautiful Shannon S2000 race car. The Shannon was a car designed by Eddie Jones, who is the crew chief for Michael Andretti's Indy Car team. Only eight Shannons were ever build. Sigh.

For more information on how my favorite racing team is doing, click the Team Lorenz button to the left. And definately keep a look out for them on ESPN.

Donald Trump No Idiot

I say this because he gave comedian Sacha Baron Cohen less than two minutes of his time before he graciously exited stage right.

Ali G was sent to me by one of my fav people, David DeMordaunt, who has been kind enough to introduce me to all kinds of things that one would not find on an eye level shelf.

I apparently missed the first season this Emmy nominated HBO comedy series, which is par for the course for me. Seinfeld was over before I saw the first episode, same with Sex in the city. Just don't watch a lot of TV.


I enjoyed some of the unseen footage most, for example the Borat at the Hamptons Horse Show piece. Borat has a Saturday Night Live-Bill Murray/Steve Martin Wild and
Crazy Guys feel, only now the crazy slav has his own show. Potshots are thrown liberally, and every homophobic is immediately outed.

Bruno, the fashionista, is actually clever when speaking to bubbleheaded designers during fashion week. But his segments generally lack the star power and cultural depth as the other two characters.

Ali G, a wanna-be rapper journalist, is an annoying character to me. Really annoying, mostly because he is the least clever of the three. This character is too stupid to be funny most of the time. His one-on-one interviews with an amazing number of heavy hitting politicians fails to deliver because his commentary is so sadly flat.

Polite smiles on disengaged subjects are funny with Borat, but painful with Ali G. I am shocked at how patient people are with the stupid commentary, and how sadly, they just keep trying to educate the obviously ignorant.

Ali G Roundtables are a distinct exception, for here Cohen seems to offend just about everyone. And some of us have longer fuses than others, especially when in the presence of those you despise. The attention shifts from Ali G to the guests, and there are some honestly entertaining moments there - mostly of the poor guy with the open mouth.

If you are looking for Monty Python, don't look here, but as David put it - if you are tucked into bed fighting a cold and put on Ali G "Prepare to Weep!"

DJs Oil Shortage 101

OIL SHORTAGE 101

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma and Texas. Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC.

Cold Mountain

Casmir's favorite part of this movie was when Ruby Thewes, played beautifully by Renee Zellweger, snapped the head of an aggressive rooster that was terrorizing Nichole Kidman's Ada Monroe.

My stepfather, former Anchorage Chief of Detectives and Seward Police Chief, found the opening Civil War scenes too violent for his liking and quit the piece there. Who would have guessed?

It is sad. Beautiful, sad, tragic, sad, some lovely moments, lovely sad moments. You don't just feel for some of these characters, you loose part of your soul to them.